the itsy bitsy spider went up the drainage spout

down came the rain and washed the spider out

out came the sun to dry up all the rain

and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the the spout again

over and over again

We're all spiders

Where's the sun?

What's the rain?

What's the loss?

What's the gain?

-Cx

It's funny how she doesn't know.

Her most attentive follower on her blog

Is me

I'm committing her words to memory

So when it all burns down

I'll have something to remember

Image

I'm working on my image. More specifically, the concept of an image.

thats not specific... hehe

I'm fucking strung out.

I'm listening to Eminem, i used to HATE rap.

I got a haircut. My hair used to be my soul.

I never wore basketball shorts and hats. Now i'm reppin jordans and a golfcap.

I used to smoke weed once or twice a week with a good intellectual friend.

Now i'm buying tons of it and getting blazed.

I'm becoming just another lost one.

Tell me though.

Can you see the beauty in my conformity?

Can you see the sad poetry running down my back?

Can you read the lines of the antagonist, while i try to find out who the protagonist is?

Can you just let go of me, while I let go of life?

Control?

pfft

I'm close to giving up

-Cx (sort of)

What the fuck is [GIRL] talking about

Spacing out.

I'm sitting here writing to no one, as always.

[GIRL] is sitting next to me, super blogging and doing her thing. Writing a bajillion different paragraphs knowing very well her blog will be read by at least 5 or 6 people.

I can't say i'm jealous however.

Spacing out, i'm doing it right now believe it or not.

She's so cute, I wonder when i'll get over her.

Huh.

I wrote this near the last day of school, with her sitting not 5 ft from me.

I'm writing now again. at 4:18 am on the first friday of summer.

Why can't i sleep. Why can't i return my thoughts to my head.

Ah well. No one actually reads this anyways. And i can't say i'm angry about that. I exist in my own mind more so than i do in this light. I decided to answer her question.

Where does the mind go when we space out?

Lets call this place X. Our mind resorts to going to X when A. our mind is not engaged enough to hold completely to the reality at hand or B. we don't have enough strength to stay in the 'real' world. X is a place where our mind can do whatever it likes, it's the dream world. Like a computer simulation, the only limitations are the ones your mind sets. The limitations of communication and physics minus of course the popular deviants such as flying or teleporting. All of these limits are set by your mind. And of course, All limits can be broken, if you know where they are.

Humor me. Close your eyes and try to clear your head of all thought. do it right now.

You couldn't do it could you? That's because you don't think you can.

Now try this, Close your eyes, take a deep breath in and clear your mind. Don't try, just do it. Wipe your mind of everything, don't think of any visual or audio aid to help you. You're not a computer disk being deleted, your not a chalk board being erased. Just CEASE everything. Completely devoid. Still didn't work, but you were closer.

Now lets take a trip to X. All you'll need is a ping pong ball, something to cut it with, and a radio. Oh yea, and somewhere soft to lay down doesn't hurt.

Cut the ping pong ball in half. Put one half on each eye. Now turn on the radio to white noise. lay down and try to clear your thoughts again. You're about the enter X.

Explanation? The ping pong balls block your vision, so even if your mind wants to collect visual data, it cant. The radio will fill your audio receptors with a never changing stream of sound. Lay there for long enough with a clear mind. And your brain will take a trip to X. You'll start to dream or think ( since you're not asleep ) and your thoughts will be raging. You might hear the voice of a dead relative or relive a moment in grade school. You might fight in a war or even go deep sea diving.

Whatever happens, you'll be living in X.

Now once you stop this. Immediately write down everything you remember.

This sheet of paper will tell you a lot about how your mind works, What your heart desires and how your emotions effect your life.

ahaha, Have a good trip my friends.

-Cx

Emotional Control

I'm almost there, so close

I can taste it...

The blackened sludge of inhuman power

I can smell the fucking sweat of a terrible act upon an innocent

I don't even know where the fuck i am half the time

I am two people

We are. i should say

I'm acting my life through one of my sides

and there's another side

One i can't control, who has thoughts and labels and sits there in the background

Spectating the various acts I perform.

One day, I.

And right when my thoughts become clear, i muddle them

Finishing my sentence is impossible

I kill my thoughts before my fingers can put them here.

It's too dangerous. I'm not even sure why?

Maybe i'm just another hormonal teenager.

I admit it. I am.

Just another teenager, who knows nothing.

I can't stop shaking.

I lost them

Disassociation

First i'll lose everyone.

I'll recede into nothing.

No one will take a second thought of me, except in pity.

Then, run away from home.

Pretend i hate my family to get them to give up on me.

Go to the spot. The spot in my dreams, i've seen it before.

I'll tie my rope of lies and pain, to the tree of egotism and elitist views, i'll wrap this rope around my neck, i'll cry out to the world.

'I am not unique! I am just another kid! I know nothing!' then i'll let gravity have it's turn

I day dream of this.

The day i can die

I'll be in complete control until the last moments

And no one will miss me

I have so many regrets, so much pain that i shouldn't have, so many people hurt.

There is blood on my hands, covered in the tears of innocents and the glares of better men.

I will look at them and smile.

I have a plan and i'm gonna see it through.

-Cx

Party Incense

Im writing this under the influence.

Life is going on around me, and i can't focus on it. Human interaction and social cues are beyond me. Words begin to fade. Another hit another step down the stairs to the cave of embezzlement and weakness. No pain, just the red glare of the lit cherry . I feel pain, i just found out. It hurts. I'm pretty gone. The music is swaying my intuition , my very will is changing like the weeping willow it stands on. I'm not understanding what they say. Intensity is wavering, im very confused. They do things i think is funny now, but my previous state is to be decided on. I can't control what i do, I have to go.

I wrote this about a week ago

I forgot about it

Like i forget about most things now days

I can feel my hormone driven emotions bubbling inside me

I can almost completely control them

When i finally figure out how

I'll finally be able to rest

I'm alone

I'm surrounded

ClockWork

I'm writing this out of necessity. My head hurts. I'm sitting in Toalson's office listening to a friend play slow metal riffs on my acoustic guitar. I wrote a song last night. Then I took my pills and closed my eyes. It seems that my life's starting to become an object of foul-machinery. I do the same things, over and over again, In the same ways.

Is that necessarily bad?
Maybe it's just the fact my mind is outstretching my brain that I am bored with meta-cognitive analysis.



(sigh)
or maybe i'm losing it.

Either way, Life is good, She is beautiful, and someday i'll die

Gives me something to look forward to

Cx

Alone and withdrawl (bitch)

I've decided that this post will be very personal. I'm going to talk about a girl.

Oh woe is me the silly little teenager driven by hormones and sitting on a monolith of bad choices and hard earned smiles.

Anyways.

I met a girl.

This is after my 10 month relationship with another girl. Which ended less than wonderful.

I feel obliged to explain.

I met [Crazy] at one of my midnight rendezvous back in the days where i thought i was a terrible hard ass. I fell for her completely based on pleasure and her complete lack of regard to social cues. I thought i was in love. Every teenager makes that mistake much too many times.
I accidentally courted her secretly whilst dating a girl named [Odd]. I never cheated on [Odd]. Finally [Odd] one day decided we should take a break. I was more than happy about that, since it gave me the victims perspective. I then was forced into dating [Crazy], even though i wanted to wait. I told [Crazy] one night that i wouldn't date her until i could assemble my thoughts. The next day she sent me pictures of the cuts she did out of her so-called sadness. The day after that, we made it official.
It was a mistake.
I dated [Crazy] for 10 months with little to no fighting (that's a lie) or problems other than her mother. Then in the last week of our relationship she cheated on me, twice. I was stuck numb. I don't deal with my emotions like other people. I consider myself close to reaching a controlled emotional state. I feel what i want to feel, when i want to feel it. I was absolutely fine with her cheating on me.

That's where drama began.

Any ways, fast forward. I finally break up with this girl. And immediately (seem to) fall for one the best girls I've ever met. I'm quite afraid she'd read this, Though I'm sure she won't, so in effort to better disguise this. Let's call her... [Girl].

[Girl] is amazing, [Girl] is beautiful. I had a chance to be with her ( sort of ) and i completely blew it.

The thing about me is when fall, I go all out. I thought about her all the time, I wrote a song for her. blah blah blah

needless to say

I'm creepy.

I'm working on that...

She increasingly found this out about me, got to the point where she just didn't want that, and told me it was over and we could still be friends.

I find it so hard...

It's my first rejection from a girl.

Which is insane, given the amount of girls i have all over me. (which is a lie)

I cant even look at her in the hallway without thinking.

What if i was normal? (What if I wasn't such a bitch) What if I could have her? What if I'm doing something wrong?

And immediately i kill these thoughts... (try to at least)



I've been receding....

Back into drugs, back into partying, back into lust... (I wish, at least)

I'm dying
rather
I'm killing myself slowly...

I smoke increasingly
I'm over a pack a day now

I'm manic

I almost quit smoking while [Girl] liked me

I knew she was uncomfortable with it

I didn't tell her though. It's a bit creepy


I've had ALL of my past girlfriends try to tell me to stop smoking.
I tried, and failed, for all of them.

The closest i've ever gotten was with her.

Now I'm sitting here pouring my damaged thoughts and tainted words into a cesspool of emptiness.

No one reads this
Why should i write?

I wish i could have one more chance.
To go back and erase what happened

Never break up with [Odd], until later at least.
Never go out with [Crazy]
Never lose my friends
Never Start smoking
Never start crying
Never fucked everything up

Never broke myself

I'm going to find freedom
one way or the other...

I am determined..

Cx

Funny shit

Being aggressive

Not necessarily the best idea.

but it comes in handy sometimes

I'm speculating life wondering why i think having a blog will help me relax

It just gives me a wall to vomit on

anywho,

Quotes about Aggressiveness

KILL HER, RAPE THE CORPSE, SET IT ON FIRE, SNORT THE ASHES, DANCE TO HARD TECHNO

eat babies, SHIT RAINBOWS

Start fisting girl, STEAL HER OVARIES

KILL YOURSELF GO TO HELL FIGHT SATAN

Best friends birthday? PUT HIM IN A CAR WITH A STARVING LION AND WELD THE DOORS SHUT

punch, A BABY

Viloence isnt the answer, BUT RAPE IS THE SOLUTION

Make like a tree, AND EAT A FIRE TRUCK

download, A CAR

Not necessarily all about aggressiveness.

But really fucking funny.

Drink bleach, LIVE FOREVER

Have a good night guys

-C

Walk away and pretend you didn't want to

Nothing is bleeding except that heart you left on your sleeve

If you open yourself up to people

Never forget their daggers

Even up red riding hoods sleeve

was a wolf killing lumberjack

I'm just babbling now.

This isn't even poetry.

I shouldn't of taken those pills.

The floor has a heart beat

And I am the eyes

-C

I have nothing to say

As my clock crests one o'clock

I feel the weight of a million voices

I'm at the height of my insomnia

I can't sleep with this

I have too many thoughts, too many ideas

I can't write them down

I type I too much

I listen to music and wish it were deeper

I wonder if there is some sort of sound out there

That represents me

Us

You

I

All of us

or none of us

"for a minute there, i lost myself, i lost myself"

I'm gone

for the next couple hours

I will stare into oblivion and recount my days

Feel higher than any drug could ever do to anyone

Feel like part of me is ripping away

I won't sit still

I won't make noise

Just shake until it stops

Until i feel safe to open my eyes

Is it crazy to say i fear opening my eyes and seeing things

Things being my ideas

I'm not sure how to explain it

Maybe i'm just crazy

ahah

No 'maybe',

I AM crazy

Not crazy like you

Or anyone for that matter

I'm crazy in a way that no one could explain

During the day, I'm completly fine.

but now

Now i'm awake

the sounds of some distant music and the ringing of some bell.

The creaking of a screen door made by some teenager sneaking out to see his friends

" you want me? then come on and break the door down"

I'm ready

I'm ready for sleep that never comes

If i could hear your heartbeat

Would it play the bass line to my song?

Will i ever hear it?

*sigh*

I personalize here, and rant and rave about things no one cares about.

I cant conceptualize when i already understand.

I feel like my soul is shattering itself.

Ripping and tearing and fighting from inside.

Ahahah. I'm going to go pretend i'm a poet and write something down.

Good night whoever decided to read this.

-C

Emotions

Don't miss what you don't have
Free your mind
Free your soul
Rise above
Lift yourself from the ashes
Look back with stoic disregard
Let society disgust you
Shake off their greasy fingers
Spit in the faces of the masses
If you don't look up to them
Don't let them look down on you
Do not let go of life
For life is beautiful
It is we who are not

Sorry about the wait

I haven't posted in a while, which is to say, We haven't had any thoughts worth mentioning. We're working on a couple papers now. One being the relationship between so-called mental stability and relationships, the other being a theory on existence. They are both very interesting papers, at least to us.

Who are we you might ask?

We, us, they, those.

The collective of thoughts i present to you, my avid reader.

Sounds a bit crazy? not to us.

We will write from perspectives non-biased and non-partisan to better represent and conceptualize the ideas we present.

We are stoic figures in a grassy plain of desire.

I shall hand over the keys to higher thought, if i could just find them myself.
because, it seems as you can only find things, when you aren't looking.

So close your eyes my friends and relax as over the next couple weeks i give you looks at the big picture.

Though they might be stupid and without purpose, i say to you my friend.

Find purpose within these lines of poorly written prose and false testaments.

We shall write more at a later date.

A man with a pure heart is still just that, a man. therefore he is evil and not to be trusted.

-Cx

The way I recollect

The way I'm going to type my blogs is not in the role of an informant or an educated person. I am going to display knowledge as a conduit from other sources and people and input opinions, however wrong they may be. I encourage you, who I must warn once again of the boring elements I display and how much they should run while they still have time, to take no offense to these words

Re-Creating and Re-Formatting

Obviously, all my posts and stuff are gone. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Reading the thoughts of an inexperienced sophomore is not a preferred method of enrichment. You could get your news from CNN or NBC or some main stream media outlet. Your horizons could be broadened by a pastor or a shaman. You don't need someone talking out of turn and out of place to tell you his thoughts.

You shouldn't read this with any purpose.

No entertainment, No facts, No positive sides

You should read this by accident.

Now if you choose to continue reading this, and checking for my updates and such, i cannot stop you. All i can do is advise against it.

Dread the coming posts

-C