Party Incense

Im writing this under the influence.

Life is going on around me, and i can't focus on it. Human interaction and social cues are beyond me. Words begin to fade. Another hit another step down the stairs to the cave of embezzlement and weakness. No pain, just the red glare of the lit cherry . I feel pain, i just found out. It hurts. I'm pretty gone. The music is swaying my intuition , my very will is changing like the weeping willow it stands on. I'm not understanding what they say. Intensity is wavering, im very confused. They do things i think is funny now, but my previous state is to be decided on. I can't control what i do, I have to go.

I wrote this about a week ago

I forgot about it

Like i forget about most things now days

I can feel my hormone driven emotions bubbling inside me

I can almost completely control them

When i finally figure out how

I'll finally be able to rest

I'm alone

I'm surrounded

ClockWork

I'm writing this out of necessity. My head hurts. I'm sitting in Toalson's office listening to a friend play slow metal riffs on my acoustic guitar. I wrote a song last night. Then I took my pills and closed my eyes. It seems that my life's starting to become an object of foul-machinery. I do the same things, over and over again, In the same ways.

Is that necessarily bad?
Maybe it's just the fact my mind is outstretching my brain that I am bored with meta-cognitive analysis.



(sigh)
or maybe i'm losing it.

Either way, Life is good, She is beautiful, and someday i'll die

Gives me something to look forward to

Cx

Alone and withdrawl (bitch)

I've decided that this post will be very personal. I'm going to talk about a girl.

Oh woe is me the silly little teenager driven by hormones and sitting on a monolith of bad choices and hard earned smiles.

Anyways.

I met a girl.

This is after my 10 month relationship with another girl. Which ended less than wonderful.

I feel obliged to explain.

I met [Crazy] at one of my midnight rendezvous back in the days where i thought i was a terrible hard ass. I fell for her completely based on pleasure and her complete lack of regard to social cues. I thought i was in love. Every teenager makes that mistake much too many times.
I accidentally courted her secretly whilst dating a girl named [Odd]. I never cheated on [Odd]. Finally [Odd] one day decided we should take a break. I was more than happy about that, since it gave me the victims perspective. I then was forced into dating [Crazy], even though i wanted to wait. I told [Crazy] one night that i wouldn't date her until i could assemble my thoughts. The next day she sent me pictures of the cuts she did out of her so-called sadness. The day after that, we made it official.
It was a mistake.
I dated [Crazy] for 10 months with little to no fighting (that's a lie) or problems other than her mother. Then in the last week of our relationship she cheated on me, twice. I was stuck numb. I don't deal with my emotions like other people. I consider myself close to reaching a controlled emotional state. I feel what i want to feel, when i want to feel it. I was absolutely fine with her cheating on me.

That's where drama began.

Any ways, fast forward. I finally break up with this girl. And immediately (seem to) fall for one the best girls I've ever met. I'm quite afraid she'd read this, Though I'm sure she won't, so in effort to better disguise this. Let's call her... [Girl].

[Girl] is amazing, [Girl] is beautiful. I had a chance to be with her ( sort of ) and i completely blew it.

The thing about me is when fall, I go all out. I thought about her all the time, I wrote a song for her. blah blah blah

needless to say

I'm creepy.

I'm working on that...

She increasingly found this out about me, got to the point where she just didn't want that, and told me it was over and we could still be friends.

I find it so hard...

It's my first rejection from a girl.

Which is insane, given the amount of girls i have all over me. (which is a lie)

I cant even look at her in the hallway without thinking.

What if i was normal? (What if I wasn't such a bitch) What if I could have her? What if I'm doing something wrong?

And immediately i kill these thoughts... (try to at least)



I've been receding....

Back into drugs, back into partying, back into lust... (I wish, at least)

I'm dying
rather
I'm killing myself slowly...

I smoke increasingly
I'm over a pack a day now

I'm manic

I almost quit smoking while [Girl] liked me

I knew she was uncomfortable with it

I didn't tell her though. It's a bit creepy


I've had ALL of my past girlfriends try to tell me to stop smoking.
I tried, and failed, for all of them.

The closest i've ever gotten was with her.

Now I'm sitting here pouring my damaged thoughts and tainted words into a cesspool of emptiness.

No one reads this
Why should i write?

I wish i could have one more chance.
To go back and erase what happened

Never break up with [Odd], until later at least.
Never go out with [Crazy]
Never lose my friends
Never Start smoking
Never start crying
Never fucked everything up

Never broke myself

I'm going to find freedom
one way or the other...

I am determined..

Cx

Funny shit

Being aggressive

Not necessarily the best idea.

but it comes in handy sometimes

I'm speculating life wondering why i think having a blog will help me relax

It just gives me a wall to vomit on

anywho,

Quotes about Aggressiveness

KILL HER, RAPE THE CORPSE, SET IT ON FIRE, SNORT THE ASHES, DANCE TO HARD TECHNO

eat babies, SHIT RAINBOWS

Start fisting girl, STEAL HER OVARIES

KILL YOURSELF GO TO HELL FIGHT SATAN

Best friends birthday? PUT HIM IN A CAR WITH A STARVING LION AND WELD THE DOORS SHUT

punch, A BABY

Viloence isnt the answer, BUT RAPE IS THE SOLUTION

Make like a tree, AND EAT A FIRE TRUCK

download, A CAR

Not necessarily all about aggressiveness.

But really fucking funny.

Drink bleach, LIVE FOREVER

Have a good night guys

-C