the itsy bitsy spider went up the drainage spout

down came the rain and washed the spider out

out came the sun to dry up all the rain

and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the the spout again

over and over again

We're all spiders

Where's the sun?

What's the rain?

What's the loss?

What's the gain?

-Cx

It's funny how she doesn't know.

Her most attentive follower on her blog

Is me

I'm committing her words to memory

So when it all burns down

I'll have something to remember

Image

I'm working on my image. More specifically, the concept of an image.

thats not specific... hehe

I'm fucking strung out.

I'm listening to Eminem, i used to HATE rap.

I got a haircut. My hair used to be my soul.

I never wore basketball shorts and hats. Now i'm reppin jordans and a golfcap.

I used to smoke weed once or twice a week with a good intellectual friend.

Now i'm buying tons of it and getting blazed.

I'm becoming just another lost one.

Tell me though.

Can you see the beauty in my conformity?

Can you see the sad poetry running down my back?

Can you read the lines of the antagonist, while i try to find out who the protagonist is?

Can you just let go of me, while I let go of life?

Control?

pfft

I'm close to giving up

-Cx (sort of)

What the fuck is [GIRL] talking about

Spacing out.

I'm sitting here writing to no one, as always.

[GIRL] is sitting next to me, super blogging and doing her thing. Writing a bajillion different paragraphs knowing very well her blog will be read by at least 5 or 6 people.

I can't say i'm jealous however.

Spacing out, i'm doing it right now believe it or not.

She's so cute, I wonder when i'll get over her.

Huh.

I wrote this near the last day of school, with her sitting not 5 ft from me.

I'm writing now again. at 4:18 am on the first friday of summer.

Why can't i sleep. Why can't i return my thoughts to my head.

Ah well. No one actually reads this anyways. And i can't say i'm angry about that. I exist in my own mind more so than i do in this light. I decided to answer her question.

Where does the mind go when we space out?

Lets call this place X. Our mind resorts to going to X when A. our mind is not engaged enough to hold completely to the reality at hand or B. we don't have enough strength to stay in the 'real' world. X is a place where our mind can do whatever it likes, it's the dream world. Like a computer simulation, the only limitations are the ones your mind sets. The limitations of communication and physics minus of course the popular deviants such as flying or teleporting. All of these limits are set by your mind. And of course, All limits can be broken, if you know where they are.

Humor me. Close your eyes and try to clear your head of all thought. do it right now.

You couldn't do it could you? That's because you don't think you can.

Now try this, Close your eyes, take a deep breath in and clear your mind. Don't try, just do it. Wipe your mind of everything, don't think of any visual or audio aid to help you. You're not a computer disk being deleted, your not a chalk board being erased. Just CEASE everything. Completely devoid. Still didn't work, but you were closer.

Now lets take a trip to X. All you'll need is a ping pong ball, something to cut it with, and a radio. Oh yea, and somewhere soft to lay down doesn't hurt.

Cut the ping pong ball in half. Put one half on each eye. Now turn on the radio to white noise. lay down and try to clear your thoughts again. You're about the enter X.

Explanation? The ping pong balls block your vision, so even if your mind wants to collect visual data, it cant. The radio will fill your audio receptors with a never changing stream of sound. Lay there for long enough with a clear mind. And your brain will take a trip to X. You'll start to dream or think ( since you're not asleep ) and your thoughts will be raging. You might hear the voice of a dead relative or relive a moment in grade school. You might fight in a war or even go deep sea diving.

Whatever happens, you'll be living in X.

Now once you stop this. Immediately write down everything you remember.

This sheet of paper will tell you a lot about how your mind works, What your heart desires and how your emotions effect your life.

ahaha, Have a good trip my friends.

-Cx

Emotional Control

I'm almost there, so close

I can taste it...

The blackened sludge of inhuman power

I can smell the fucking sweat of a terrible act upon an innocent

I don't even know where the fuck i am half the time

I am two people

We are. i should say

I'm acting my life through one of my sides

and there's another side

One i can't control, who has thoughts and labels and sits there in the background

Spectating the various acts I perform.

One day, I.

And right when my thoughts become clear, i muddle them

Finishing my sentence is impossible

I kill my thoughts before my fingers can put them here.

It's too dangerous. I'm not even sure why?

Maybe i'm just another hormonal teenager.

I admit it. I am.

Just another teenager, who knows nothing.

I can't stop shaking.

I lost them

Disassociation

First i'll lose everyone.

I'll recede into nothing.

No one will take a second thought of me, except in pity.

Then, run away from home.

Pretend i hate my family to get them to give up on me.

Go to the spot. The spot in my dreams, i've seen it before.

I'll tie my rope of lies and pain, to the tree of egotism and elitist views, i'll wrap this rope around my neck, i'll cry out to the world.

'I am not unique! I am just another kid! I know nothing!' then i'll let gravity have it's turn

I day dream of this.

The day i can die

I'll be in complete control until the last moments

And no one will miss me

I have so many regrets, so much pain that i shouldn't have, so many people hurt.

There is blood on my hands, covered in the tears of innocents and the glares of better men.

I will look at them and smile.

I have a plan and i'm gonna see it through.

-Cx

Party Incense

Im writing this under the influence.

Life is going on around me, and i can't focus on it. Human interaction and social cues are beyond me. Words begin to fade. Another hit another step down the stairs to the cave of embezzlement and weakness. No pain, just the red glare of the lit cherry . I feel pain, i just found out. It hurts. I'm pretty gone. The music is swaying my intuition , my very will is changing like the weeping willow it stands on. I'm not understanding what they say. Intensity is wavering, im very confused. They do things i think is funny now, but my previous state is to be decided on. I can't control what i do, I have to go.

I wrote this about a week ago

I forgot about it

Like i forget about most things now days

I can feel my hormone driven emotions bubbling inside me

I can almost completely control them

When i finally figure out how

I'll finally be able to rest

I'm alone

I'm surrounded

ClockWork

I'm writing this out of necessity. My head hurts. I'm sitting in Toalson's office listening to a friend play slow metal riffs on my acoustic guitar. I wrote a song last night. Then I took my pills and closed my eyes. It seems that my life's starting to become an object of foul-machinery. I do the same things, over and over again, In the same ways.

Is that necessarily bad?
Maybe it's just the fact my mind is outstretching my brain that I am bored with meta-cognitive analysis.



(sigh)
or maybe i'm losing it.

Either way, Life is good, She is beautiful, and someday i'll die

Gives me something to look forward to

Cx